On the edge of Solitude

on Jan 2, 2012
I’ve observed a certain pattern: the older I get, the more introvert I become. It wasn’t always like this. I used to be much more sociable. I like people; I guess most of those that I come across daily would never suspect I’m a loner. I’m friendly and people say I’m easy to talk to. I guess it’s true, but the fact is, I’m usually the listener during a conversation. I can be very expressive when I come across a kindred spirit and yet, it doesn’t happen very often in RL.
 
It's kind of a double-edged sword being alone and enjoying it sometimes. I actually am quite lonely most of the time..But there are times when I value my alone time and don't feel lonely at all. We all know, Solitude is good. It makes you explore worlds within and without, and it can be the best of teachers. But too often it turns to loneliness. For me,so far it has always been loneliness, and while I'm enjoying some of the benefits of solitude, I'm also being consumed by loneliness, gradually. Never a single moment of happiness with a beloved person, Never a single moment of happiness at all, in the past few years. All the kindness and tenderness I might have, is fully being to waste as I'm being devoured by loneliness...
 
At a certain moment in my life I’ve discovered that I feel quite comfortable in my own company. It gives me freedom, focus and peace.I love being alone in silence. The idea of scattering my thoughts somewhere into space, sharing them with the universe, appeals to me. I find beauty in it. And it is enough for me, most of the time. Of course I long for genuine connection with another human being too, but I’ve come to realize that you can’t have it with just anyone and I’ve accepted that.
 
But the line between solitude and loneliness can be so fine. The solitude is amazing and comforting. I love it. But it always brings loneliness when I finally achieve that perfect solitude space. But I'm finally starting to find balance. There is a quote and I can't remember who it is attributed to but it is something like:
"Loneliness is the pain of being alone, while solitude is the glory of being alone." I consciously decided to isolate myself in 2008. I like the freedom that comes from the solitude and isolation. Part of it is also independence. I never bother people with my issues, unless there is some concrete action they can take, which would help me. 
 
I am one of those types of people that feel more alone when I am with other people. It's something about the pace of things...I'm not really sure. My Mom told me that when I was a baby I was totally content just sitting or laying around and look at things. She said I could 'entertain' myself for hours on end and I can say that this fact has not changed at all as I've aged, nor do I think it ever will. I've stopped wondering why. I feel so much more comfortable and confident now being able to tell people, "No, I just need to be alone for a little while," and not be worried about offending them. Or if I do offend them I don't feel any ill will towards them -- I can understand why they might react that way. But at the same time I know that it's just something that I need to do and that there's no sense in fighting it or making consolations. Solitude is the place where all possibilities merge and mesh together into this most incredible thing, this astonishing thing that I can't put into words but can't keep myself from coming back to day after day after day. Solitude is limitlessness. It is what I look forward to the most every single day of my life. It is the home that I always come back to. And the sky above knows my name... I could walk here forever... 
 
And it is important. When things are difficult, when important decisions need to be considered, when you just have to get away from it all. There's nothing more satisfying than having a little time to yourself. No distractions just find a quiet place and just unwind and let the chatter in your mind fade away to nothingness.  
 
When I was younger, the need of company is very important to me. I never had any serious relationship but I do have many friends. Now I’ve realized spending sometime alone is something that I truly needed. Maybe I’m still young for some people; but I feel old. I’ve been experiencing many things. How to be on top, how it feels when you're down. Though I have no chance to experience all the things in the world, I feel like I’ve known it all.. Like I know what I’m here for. I want to see something extraordinary..something new..Just me and the never ending quest to understand life...

I remember as a child I used to sit alone watching the trees and birds. I feel a sense of calmness when I do it even now. I introspect a lot. I would not call my self a loner. I just happen to be at peace with being only by myself. Dont get me wrong, I love my friends and family, but sometimes I just need to be alone…
 
Sometimes, In solitude I can just enjoy being myself.I don't really miss being alone. I know how to enjoy the little things in life alone. I can hear my thoughts and feel my feelings without judgment. But loneliness gives me a sense of loss and foreboding. Unfortunately I do have both.
 
I've noticed to grow very sarcastic and ironic after losing my people around me. It's sickening. I like being alone but at the same time, I'm lonely. I want to find someone I can be alone with. I know, its weird and doesn't really make sense. I don't get it myself.Personal solitude and own little world are an important thing to me. And sometimes it's just not enough. The issue for me is that I'm an exceptionally unique individual with a rather quiet way about him. It's usually very hard for me to communicate with others unless they say something that catches my ear. Though sometimes it's hard for me to express myself in words. As a result I may appear a little less intelligent,or at-least less verbal. I have always heard that everything happens for a reason. I can't stand when I hear that. Things are just weird.
 
I live on the edge of Loneliness. I'm not forced their by anyone, it's where I choose to live. I'm introverted by nature. I'd rather be alone most of the time. The problem with my position is that its a fine line between contentment on the edge of Loneliness and the torment of complete isolation. I shy away from interacting with people yet I'm depressed when I don't.  
 
I have been withdrawn from life, or so it seems. My life has become some sort of roller coaster, where I am the one who has been stuck on the tracks, not really knowing if I'm on the bottom, or on the top. I have lost much; for some reason or another. I just seem to have fallen into a ditch. I float around, doing absolutely nothing, I am sick of everyone, including my family. I do not wish to be a slave any longer, that's how I feel, slave-like. Have you ever wondered why people act the way they do? Like, how your life could go from you being the center of attention, everyone loving you and wanting to be around you at every minute, and everything is perfect, from your perspective and then suddenly, it crashes. It ceases to exist and you feel like you're constantly wearing an invisibility cloak that you cannot seem to take off. Well, this has happened to me. Nobody seems to care. I mean, yeah I suppose its my own fault that I've gotten myself into this rut for wondering where I went wrong. But you know what? Blaming doesn't help.
 
What have I become? How will this useless mockery end? I need someone, anyone, really. But with the loss of most of my old friends and relationships, I've lost my faith in any relationships. Everyone seems so damn fake to me. Most of the relationships, friendships are all selfishness based. Everyone I meet these days is a reflection of how I feel which I find to be kind of selfish.I need to swap up my belief system. Oh well. I guess there is a time to grow up...and I'm not dealing well with this change at all. I'm needing Something. I want to be an adult about every situation I've encountered, but I figure that if I go back to the people I used to spend my time with, they're just going to make fun of me for having such horrible problems, that really, aren't problems at all. I'm just whining and complaining about nothing. If people are the basis of my worries, then who needs em? I'll go back to being a loner and be proud of it. Yep sounds good. I'm gonna get used to it too, because I feel like I'm going to be alone for a very long time...

That's all folks!