I Lost Myself Somewhere Along the Way

I feel like I’ve lost my sense of belonging. I’m an outsider lost in limbo.

I used to be a much less complicated person. Life was fairly easy and carefree, and I had no stresses. I was confident in who I was, what I was doing...where my life was going. 

There have been many twists and turns along the way in my journey, and somewhere on that road I've misplaced some elements of my personality. I have changed into someone I don't always recognize. Certain experiences in life have left me closed off from people when they press about my feelings, I prefer to work through things on my own. I also feel I am a little more hard heated than I used to be. Become more steeled to the things that I used to be affected by. It is almost like having temporary amnesia sometimes. I thought I was one type of person, and as the days go by I realize that I am not that person anymore. It is like I have forgotten how to be the person I once was, and all I have now is the parts that are left. Life is all about evolving and growing as a person right? Experience changes you, things happen that steer the course of your life in a different direction from where you thought you were going.

As far as pondering the unknowns of my identity, fatal flaws and the uncertainty of my future (The Dark Side, this is); I am in many ways lost. In this case my mind is lost in a sea of expanding shapes that I can't comprehend. One concept that's bugging me today is love. As farfetched as it sounds.

 

An Intense Love Alone Is No Good For Anyone

You always throw your love at me, and squeeze me and confine me with your love. You don't know what that feels like. You never do. Wow! Maybe something close would be like you are not in love with someone but that someone is extremely, intensely in love with you. And he pursues you, he chases you, and he spys on you anywhere. That's the way you make me feel. I am sorry, unfortunately, that is what it is. If it sounds very bad, forgive me; but it is true sometimes. I feel: Oh, help, help! I need space. You do love me that's for sure, definitely. But your love is so intense, sometimes it kills me. Yes, truly. I cannot work with you if you carry your love around on your shoulders like that, without diffusing it, without controlling it. Just like you have a very good radio or television, but you don't control the volume to adjust for your hearing ability and your space as well as those of the neighbors. You know? And it becomes a disturbance, an annoyance instead of a pleasure. But never mind, I will keep telling you like this all the time, until the day I die. And then you will keep doing what you do and loving me the way you do, just till the day you die. And we both try very hard to accommodate each other. Well, that is the way it is. I never saw anyone in the world like you, I mean, like you the disciples; it's terrifying. It really takes nerves and energy to withstand all this loving energy directed to you at all times and from all directions. This tremendous amount of energy makes you unbalanced, unnerved, if you are not stable enough, if you are not strong enough; and you know I am only so small. When someone loves you with such intensity of fire of the first love, of the last love, of the forever, lasting, sickening love, oh God, you are killed on the spot. And that is what I have to work through. You know, it takes a tremendous amount of resistance, strong power, whatever it is, I don't know.

For anyone, such an intense love is no good, no good for the recipient as well as for the one who projects this love. No good for both. It takes a tremendous amount to project something like that and it takes a tremendous amount to reject something like that. So both are in a battlefield. You know, it's very difficult, especially when I have to work, when I have to deal with mundane things. That is, mundane things are what we have to do in the worldly way. And you can't at the same time be explaining or taking care of this emotional matter. But you don't know any space and time. You are above space and time. Anywhere I am, any time I am there, you go berserk, you go crazy. So that's the problem with us! The true love makes people feel very light all the time, and not obliged, not burdened. That's why you always want to see me..But my love is very light, carefree, no binding. But your love is intense, heavy sometimes, or too forceful and demanding my attention... 

But You know what! Over the time, along the course, you've become a part of my life. You are my refuge. Though excess of love is pernicious but you're the only light I need. In a world filled with bleakness and hopelessness you are truly my beacon. Your love shines brighter than a million stars and I know it will always guide me home... I never expected to find such a love as grand as this and even though it hasn't been expressed with words I can feel it with each breath and every beat of my heart... 

Because You're my Twin-Flame!

You'll guide me to home...
You'll make my life...
You'll make me!

Lost, Confused And Scared. I don't know what to do...

At this point in my life..
I feel like I'm going nowhere fast...
I feel like everything I do is so pointless...
So . . . I don't know...
I feel like I'm alive
but I'm not really living...
I feel like I'm lost.
Like I'm alone in a sea of people...
I'm scared.
It just keeps getting worse and worse...
Everything..
Like I'm falling down a well...
And everyday,
with every breath,
every step,
every word,
I'm just falling deeper and deeper in...
So deep I can barley see the light..
But I still can...
I can still see the little light...
As dim and as faint as it may be...
Its still there...
And that's enough to keep me going...
But other then that...
Other then that faint flicker of light..
I don't know what to do...