On the edge of Solitude

I’ve observed a certain pattern: the older I get, the more introvert I become. It wasn’t always like this. I used to be much more sociable. I like people; I guess most of those that I come across daily would never suspect I’m a loner. I’m friendly and people say I’m easy to talk to. I guess it’s true, but the fact is, I’m usually the listener during a conversation. I can be very expressive when I come across a kindred spirit and yet, it doesn’t happen very often in RL.

 

It's kind of a double-edged sword being alone and enjoying it sometimes. I actually am quite lonely most of the time..But there are times when I value my alone time and don't feel lonely at all. We all know, Solitude is good. It makes you explore worlds within and without, and it can be the best of teachers. But too often it turns to loneliness. For me,so far it has always been loneliness, and while I'm enjoying some of the benefits of solitude, I'm also being consumed by loneliness, gradually. Never a single moment of happiness with a beloved person, Never a single moment of happiness at all, in the past few years. All the kindness and tenderness I might have, is fully being to waste as I'm being devoured by loneliness...

 

At a certain moment in my life I’ve discovered that I feel quite comfortable in my own company. It gives me freedom, focus and peace.I love being alone in silence. The idea of scattering my thoughts somewhere into space, sharing them with the universe, appeals to me. I find beauty in it. And it is enough for me, most of the time. Of course I long for genuine connection with another human being too, but I’ve come to realize that you can’t have it with just anyone and I’ve accepted that.

 

But the line between solitude and loneliness can be so fine. The solitude is amazing and comforting. I love it. But it always brings loneliness when I finally achieve that perfect solitude space. But I'm finally starting to find balance. There is a quote and I can't remember who it is attributed to but it is something like:

"Loneliness is the pain of being alone, while solitude is the glory of being alone." I consciously decided to isolate myself in 2008. I like the freedom that comes from the solitude and isolation. Part of it is also independence. I never bother people with my issues, unless there is some concrete action they can take, which would help me. 

 

I am one of those types of people that feel more alone when I am with other people. It's something about the pace of things...I'm not really sure. My Mom told me that when I was a baby I was totally content just sitting or laying around and look at things. She said I could 'entertain' myself for hours on end and I can say that this fact has not changed at all as I've aged, nor do I think it ever will. I've stopped wondering why. I feel so much more comfortable and confident now being able to tell people, "No, I just need to be alone for a little while," and not be worried about offending them. Or if I do offend them I don't feel any ill will towards them -- I can understand why they might react that way. But at the same time I know that it's just something that I need to do and that there's no sense in fighting it or making consolations. Solitude is the place where all possibilities merge and mesh together into this most incredible thing, this astonishing thing that I can't put into words but can't keep myself from coming back to day after day after day. Solitude is limitlessness. It is what I look forward to the most every single day of my life. It is the home that I always come back to. And the sky above knows my name... I could walk here forever... 

 

And it is important. When things are difficult, when important decisions need to be considered, when you just have to get away from it all. There's nothing more satisfying than having a little time to yourself. No distractions just find a quiet place and just unwind and let the chatter in your mind fade away to nothingness.  

 

When I was younger, the need of company is very important to me. I never had any serious relationship but I do have many friends. Now I’ve realized spending sometime alone is something that I truly needed. Maybe I’m still young for some people; but I feel old. I’ve been experiencing many things. How to be on top, how it feels when you're down. Though I have no chance to experience all the things in the world, I feel like I’ve known it all.. Like I know what I’m here for. I want to see something extraordinary..something new..Just me and the never ending quest to understand life...

I remember as a child I used to sit alone watching the trees and birds. I feel a sense of calmness when I do it even now. I introspect a lot. I would not call my self a loner. I just happen to be at peace with being only by myself. Dont get me wrong, I love my friends and family, but sometimes I just need to be alone…

 

Sometimes, In solitude I can just enjoy being myself.I don't really miss being alone. I know how to enjoy the little things in life alone. I can hear my thoughts and feel my feelings without judgment. But loneliness gives me a sense of loss and foreboding. Unfortunately I do have both.

 

I've noticed to grow very sarcastic and ironic after losing my people around me. It's sickening. I like being alone but at the same time, I'm lonely. I want to find someone I can be alone with. I know, its weird and doesn't really make sense. I don't get it myself.Personal solitude and own little world are an important thing to me. And sometimes it's just not enough. The issue for me is that I'm an exceptionally unique individual with a rather quiet way about him. It's usually very hard for me to communicate with others unless they say something that catches my ear. Though sometimes it's hard for me to express myself in words. As a result I may appear a little less intelligent,or at-least less verbal. I have always heard that everything happens for a reason. I can't stand when I hear that. Things are just weird.

 

I live on the edge of Loneliness. I'm not forced their by anyone, it's where I choose to live. I'm introverted by nature. I'd rather be alone most of the time. The problem with my position is that its a fine line between contentment on the edge of Loneliness and the torment of complete isolation. I shy away from interacting with people yet I'm depressed when I don't.  

 

I have been withdrawn from life, or so it seems. My life has become some sort of roller coaster, where I am the one who has been stuck on the tracks, not really knowing if I'm on the bottom, or on the top. I have lost much; for some reason or another. I just seem to have fallen into a ditch. I float around, doing absolutely nothing, I am sick of everyone, including my family. I do not wish to be a slave any longer, that's how I feel, slave-like. Have you ever wondered why people act the way they do? Like, how your life could go from you being the center of attention, everyone loving you and wanting to be around you at every minute, and everything is perfect, from your perspective and then suddenly, it crashes. It ceases to exist and you feel like you're constantly wearing an invisibility cloak that you cannot seem to take off. Well, this has happened to me. Nobody seems to care. I mean, yeah I suppose its my own fault that I've gotten myself into this rut for wondering where I went wrong. But you know what? Blaming doesn't help.

 

What have I become? How will this useless mockery end? I need someone, anyone, really. But with the loss of most of my old friends and relationships, I've lost my faith in any relationships. Everyone seems so damn fake to me. Most of the relationships, friendships are all selfishness based. Everyone I meet these days is a reflection of how I feel which I find to be kind of selfish.I need to swap up my belief system. Oh well. I guess there is a time to grow up...and I'm not dealing well with this change at all. I'm needing Something. I want to be an adult about every situation I've encountered, but I figure that if I go back to the people I used to spend my time with, they're just going to make fun of me for having such horrible problems, that really, aren't problems at all. I'm just whining and complaining about nothing. If people are the basis of my worries, then who needs em? I'll go back to being a loner and be proud of it. Yep sounds good. I'm gonna get used to it too, because I feel like I'm going to be alone for a very long time...

That's all folks!

The Sprouted Spirituality

In my last three years, stumbling to revive self, I came in touch with various identities that I already had. I’m more or less perceived to be a tech-lover, but that is only one of my identities. Primarily, I’m a Spiritualist and a Geek in my second avatar!

Belief in a divine entity dominated my thought ever and ever since I have been following him. I hear from the Supreme and I always felt like driven by an unknown force (the Supreme). I can see the hand of God in every aspect of life. Like many others, spirituality was grained in me, being born in a religious family but the firm belief I’ve acquired is due to my own subjective experience I have had till now.

Spirituality induced solitariness in me and in the recent years my belief has only increased. Solitariness,  yes because it is the derivative of Spiritualism. It raises the man above the plane of worldliness. It rebuilds the lost sense of direction and one following it attains faith in action gradually and is sure to bind into solitariness. Rare people get into it, who are a great endurer and a prisoner of their own thought. I'm a prisoner of my own thought and my thoughts are my message. But I believe people with no faith in a transcendental power will never learn what, the ultimate reality is, anyway. I doubt people who perceive gods as an illusion are never the ruler; my opinion, may be wrong, but it is no exaggeration to say that such people cannot achieve the supreme bliss, liberty or realize-self. Also, people who are firm in their belief and action go through trodden-tracks, which strengthen them. I've faced extreme somberness in the recent few years which left me into the depth of oblivion. Hopefully now the split between the dark and dawn seems to be narrowing.

Optimism leads to achievement; and that's what I have in full. I do not panic. I'm optimistic about the results. Even after a series of failures I stood firm. Each time I failed; I felt empowered. God's will! I laud the supreme for bestowing me with the courage to endure. I'm confident, if I survived in such a situation, I can demolish any hindrance in my path. This is God's grace that ignites the flame of vengeance, which otherwise must remain dormant. It is effective to those with purity and are determined.
                                            
I hate people who in-spite of much evidence dismiss the fact of existence of God. It is beyond my power to induce in them a belief in God. There are certain things which are self-proved and certain which are not proved at all. I've read several books based on life and spiritual evolution. Proofs are many; I cannot sum-up them here in one post. There are numerous phenomena from which you can reason out the existence of God.
                                                                                                                                                                                        
I just finished reading Mani Bhaumik's Code Name God, a must must read. Code Name God is an eye-opener for all. When I heard about this book, the name was was the first thing that struck my mind. When I read the tag-line "The Spiritual Odyssey of a man of Science", I ordered it. Code Name God is an amalgamation of eastern and western epistemology. Dr. Mani Lal Bhaumik, an India-born, American scientist draws the parallels between Science and Spirituality through his personal experience of life. The book is a bit autobiographical in nature. Born on a mud floor, Dr. Bhaumik survived colonial oppression, epidemic and famine to earn a Ph.D. from IIT and later a fellowship from University of California. He's the co-inventor of LASIK, holds an honorable lifetime D.Sc. degree from the IIT. Through his spiritual odyssey he has tried to find the common ground between Spirituality and Science and how they both are complementary to each other and important for us. He has eloquently explained how Quantum Physics lends support to the basic concept of God and it makes for fascinate reading. All-in-all it justifies;

     Science without religion is lame; Religion without science is blind.

For some people religion and spirituality is merely a silly faith. Giving rational explanations are useless; it is beyond their mind-grasp. To get enlightened spiritually, they need to unlearn a lot of literature which deviates their mind. It is pathetic that a man can be so spiritually dead as to have no love for God. But if such a person does exist, take a careful note of his career; and you'll find that he may be a man of high rank, of noble family but; but these great advantages will not save him from oblivion.

I walk completely in faith. It works for me and is a very calming realization. It brings an elated state of mind and provides the ability to act with a great clarity of mind. Though it has been a long abeyance waiting for the dawn, I believe he has switched-off all the lights to throw a surprise party, as I always say, its always darkest just before the dawn…